Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy