Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves