Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

WHY would you be happy about this?

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”