Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.