Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

To clean up or just move. This is the question.