sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
This is my cat’s medicine.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
One of the best
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus