Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

I am laughing way too hard at this.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

“FOUND ‘EM!”

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

Orange is oranging 🟠

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now