Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
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I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
How dramatic are you?
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Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.