Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Sunday
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My first son he is wonderful
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
