Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
I love this❤️😁👍
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Science is fun!
#nottrue
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
