Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
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[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
aesthetic
