Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
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If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!