Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Spotted in the wild

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.