Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.