Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*