Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
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My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it