Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I hate everything
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case