Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no