certified hallow’s eve classic
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My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.