certified hallow’s eve classic
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The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
and now we wait
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
