Cha-ching is my safe word
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Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
This 4th of July, please remember…
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
japanese corn
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.