Cha-ching is my safe word
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“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Worlds greatest photobomb
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.