Cha-ching is my safe word
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*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise