Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

buys donuts instead

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.