Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

Never be a pizza!

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.