Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

you stereotypes are all alike

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.