Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

i want the dreams to chase me for once