*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
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Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working