Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Lube but for my dry humor.
WHY?!
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Spotted in the wild
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss