Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

#SaturdayBears

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.