Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
mood
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
#Thanos #MondayMood
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
