Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
She was REALLY feeling it.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw