Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
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Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas