Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
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Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss: