Challenge accepted.
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“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale