Challenge accepted.
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good work, everybody
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
