Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

crazy

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.