Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things