Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1513268188968067076/pu/vid/974x720/Of0hPIKT2QKyliXw.mp4?tag=12

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

Windows

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.