Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

Expect the unexporcupine.

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan