Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.