Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
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Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie