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Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.