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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Poetry is my passion
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying