Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

Something Saturday.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.