Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
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I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Google Pay be like:
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome