You Might Also Like
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I’m being attacked 😭
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.