Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.