Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
we’re dead?
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad