Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.