Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

12653.