Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty