Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
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About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
January is lasting longer than my marriage
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
“How’s your day going?”