Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

Leaving the Barbers like

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda