Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Canadian owl: Eh?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Me in tagged photos
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.