I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:
1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don’t.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I often think “Why would anyone live in Gotham? It’s a shithole!”, but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].
I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.
ME: It would ring, and we would… Answer it.
TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS?
ME *staring into the distance* We never did…
[1st day in heaven]
God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music?
G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?