Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

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I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:

1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don’t.


Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.


*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”


Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”


I often think “Why would anyone live in Gotham? It’s a shithole!”, but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].


I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.


ME: It would ring, and we would… Answer it.
TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS?
ME *staring into the distance* We never did…


[1st day in heaven]

God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music?
Me: Yeah.
G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?