Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else