Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me: