Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.