Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go