“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
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Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.