If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[just time traveled to the past]
them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works
me: lol no
them: can u explain literally anything
me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks