“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
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I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
These are so Plastic Man-core
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!