“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Rooting for the overdog
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie